| I know I haven't written anything constructive in a few weeks, I'm sorry. Estelle, of course we read your site, I look forward to the Hugh love and awesome banter everyday. I wish my mind was as focused as your's, just so i could sit down and put down what I am thinking. I tried to sort through it today and have decided to give a "low down" on the inner workings of my mind. hehe, nah.. I'll jus give you what I can remember.. hehe and since some of you know I am no good at remembering:P this is going to be fun. I'll start with my parents. I was distant with them last week, I felt like I had to keep fighting. I felt Like I was still in the Checkers market trying to let go of my mothers hand. I wanted to go play in the toy section but she wouldn't let me go. Thats how I felt last week, like they wouldn't let me go. I guess it has to do with turning 22, it is a major change for me. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for growing old and becoming wise. It's just that I feel like something has to happen. My life needs to be jump started, I feel like i'm making the effort to get it going but they wont let me. Basically what happened was, my father took away the modem, and you guys know how I feel about my internet. This is the place that has continued to give me the space to grow, to become the person I want to be. So he took it, I tried calling him but his phone was off at his deck phone at work just rang. So I got fed up and called my mom, I hate it when they think i'm a little child, she made like she didn't know he had taken it and said i must talk to him about it. Trust me, anything that my father does my mother knows all about. So I decided, Screw it I'm going to buy a new modem. That was when I realised that it was all up to me, starting it was up to me. I know what I have to do to be independent. I guess being at home and under my parents roof gives them a right to control me. So you see, It wasn't their fault. I just had to realise that this part of my life was over and there had to be a change within me. I guess this has to do With Dean in a way, you know - making changes, becoming my own person, being independent. It's all related. Anyway, so my distantness caused my dad to get cross and he told my mom that if I don't stop being like that Claeton wasn't allowed to visit.[ I will explain soon. ] I explained to my mom how I felt about the modem, and she said that he put it back already (but only after he noticed I had another one). I decided to just be civil, there was no use in making him upset when I had sorted out the modem. Anyway so then after that it got better, I became more social and was talking to them more. The crux comes here ~ On sunday I went to church, after not going for about 3weeks (because of, working at the salon and studying for exams), my dad was leading the sermon and he gave a testimony. It was just about work and stuff, but geez i felt like shit hey. He has been going through so much and there I was having a pre-life crisis over a modem. I thought about it a lot afterwards. I didn't realise that I had been taking all my frustrations out on my dad. I've told this to Sophia once on msn, but I dent know if you know how much it affects me. I dent think anyone does. It's about Losing him. I get so frustrated sometimes, I feel like he does things like not hearing me, repeating things, forgetting things, losing track of time and other things on purpose to make me mad. I know he doesn't. I know that he struggles and that he want's to be able to do all these things for me. I know he is getting old and i know that one day i will lose my father. This is why I get so mad at him- I want him to fight it, I want him to be strong like when I was young. I don't think that my father will die soon, but I feel like I am losing his mind. We often joke at how careless he can be but I'm afraid. So here I am fighting to start my life, but still struggling to hold on to what is left of it. I have been dealing with this for the past few weeks, but I have decided to make the most of my time with my family. I think it has helped My relationship with them. I know there is nothing I can do to make the growing stop. It is all I can think about doing. So at night I pray, I pray that my parents, family and friends that I love and care for will be protected. I especially pray for my parents. It's all for me though... I need them. I need them around. I think It must be revelation time, because you guys are going to learn a lot about me and the type of person I am. I was watching Greys Anatomy last week and there was a guy with OCD, I have studied OCD in Psychology before, but watching Grey's was really new to me. Anyway, the patient did this thing with light switch where he had to switch it on and off for I think it was 96 times? I cant remember. I was looking at him do it and I realised I do the same thing. O.o I don't know when I started it but I do it with my pen - push it in and out 12 times. I don't do it all the time. After Greys I was a little apprehensive, I couldn't believe that I didn't realise that I do it...I thought about other things I do too. I count the lines on the road and the light posts as I drive, bricks and tiles as I walk, the amount of stairs.. and more. It's not an exact number, I stop at a point and then I restart. I remember that the counting started when I was at school and I am sure that it started because of stress. The pen clicking started this year I know, however it doesn't stop after 12 I have to restart. Ok, here's my analysis of myself. I am the sort of person who thinks a lot. I am always contemplating, reminiscing or planning - no matter what my head is always on the go. I think that sometimes it is a bit much for me and when I count it has nothing to do with control but rather a means of escaping from my head. I know I don't do it when I am at home. I think the pen clicking is something I have to do. Sometimes when I am forced to be in a position for too long I feel like I have to move. It doesn't have to do with my limbs getting stiff and sore but it's a feeling inside. It's almost like panic, but not quite. So if someone were to put me in an open box and I had to be in one position the whole time that feeling of wanting to move would make me a bit crazy. With clicking my Pen, I do it when I feel that panic inside me. So I move my fingers. The panic comes when I feel like things get a bit much for me. I haven't done then clicking in a few days and I count a bit when i'm in the car. So I was thinking about the things that I do that may be due to my mild OCD tendencies. I found a few - I'm not an expert yet so I will have to get a second opinion:P All the thought of the origins of my mild OCD behaviour also got me thinking about what I use to do when I was in primary school and parts of high school. I think most children do it though - create alternate realities. I remember I made up a world in my head- One where I had a different family. Another one I remember is when I use to polish my shoes I made up 2 characters the "Royal shoe polisher" and "The Royal". I was of course both of them, and I would sit there having conversations with myself while I polished my shoes. It makes me smile but I wonder if its normal.. Ok so About Claeton. He will Be staying from The 29th of december to the 20th of february.. I'm not sure what is happening Sophia? You must let me know when it's ok for him to stay over at your place.Anyway I am super excited!! I want to do something nice for new years though? Do you guys know where there will be Fire works? Some where safe please >.< My mom is trying to organise to go down to Durban so if anyone is keen let me know so I can talk to her. It will probably be chilled though because my parents will be there. However we will be taking two cars so we can go where ever. I wish you would talk to me about this whole thing Sophia? I don't know what is going on. I just want to know what your thinking... Anyway. That is it for this lovely, thursday morning. I leave you with this thought ~~ What we do If it was daylight all day and night in november? I think I would be typing this outside.. |
